Erik H vs. Eric G: Eric really wants a pet, so buys a hamster. Unfortunately the hamster is diseased and bites him, and he dies a horrible death. Or would have, except, as everyone knows, Eric is retarded (bit of a murmur over that remark) and his parents, being very protective, have him surrounded at all times by 1000 protective garden gnomes, who kill and eat the hamster the moment they catch sight of him with it. Result – Eric’s creepy gnomes saved the day.

Cole vs. Erik H: Some plants are delivered to Erik’s house…a lot of plants. There’s so many plants delivered by so many delivery men that Erik is completely cornered in his house by them. The problem is that Erik is terrified of plants and is too scared to move or call for help, and eventually wastes away. Or would have if he hadn’t been hungry. He was playing video games and decided he wanted some soup. He was holding the can when the doorbell rang, and he saw the first delivery guy holding a plant. Not only did he have a plant, but he was a Fed Ex guy in purple, and that’s not right, so he clobbered him with the can. The other delivery guys saw what happened and never delivered the plants. Result – He was unable to scare away so many dedicated delivery men with a single can of soup.

Tom vs. Erik H: Tom knows Erik is a sci-fi fan and would be at the local convention. So he snuck in with a light saber that nobody knew was real, and killed him with it. Or would have if Erik wasn’t such a sci-fi geek. He’d made an energy shield in science class and was wearing it and showing it off at the convention, and it easily blocked the light saber. Result – The Force was not strong enough with Tom to win this time and Erik survived.

Eric G vs. Erik H: Eric G finds not 1, but 2 high-priced lawyers that are so greedy for money that when he offers them a big fee to kill off Erik, they agree, go to his house and kill him. Or would have, except they were so greedy for money that when they got to his house, they ran straight into the big plastic bag that was covering the whole place, got stuck, and suffocated. Result – Everyone marveled at the oddity of the defense, then killed Erik since there was no explanation for the bag at all, and no modifier to make it big enough anyway.

Jeff vs. Eric G: As we all know, Eric is a metrosexual! (there was a pause here while folks of various ages gave a variety of definitions of the term to other folks of various ages…we pressed on with well established confusion and a wink all ‘round) Anyway, Eric puts some modeling clay on his face, believing it was face cream to take off his makeup. The clay hardened over his face and Eric suffocated horribly when he was unable to get it off. (There was a pause here and Eric was obviously stumped). It was a fortunate thing, though, that Eric doesn’t wear underwear (!) as this makes him smelly (!!), and so his mom stays away from home when doing her art. In fact, she does all her art and keeps all her clay at a hotel room (!!!) so the clay was never where he could get it. Result – For a variety of reasons, Eric made his own death mask while dying horribly.

Erik H vs. Jeff: Jeff loves football and is on a team. One day while at practice he needs to use the bathroom and removed his helmet. Erik saw his chance and loaded the helmet with explosives. When Jeff put the helmet back on, he blew up and died. Or would have, if Erik wasn’t such an impatient assassin. He couldn’t wait for the explosion, pulled out a tiny gun and shot Jeff, which wasn’t enough to kill him but was enough to land him in the hospital, so he never got to put his helmet back on. Result – Jeff survives to play another day.

Cole vs. Eric G: Eric is a hot air balloon enthusiast and is taking a flight. Cole is a zeppelin enthusiast and hates Eric’s hobby, so he hired an assassin who had drunk a strange potion, grew wings and could fly. While enjoying his flight, the assassin swooped up, cut all the sandbags from the hot air balloon, and Eric flew high up into the atmosphere and vanishes. Or would have, except that the basket was so full of thousands of pens and they were so heavy… (Mulligan – everyone noted that Eric only had a single pen card. But he got to use his retry as stated in the rules) Starting again, Eric accidentally drops his favorite pen, which is quite a sharp-pointed kind, out of his balloon, hitting the assassin and killing him. Result – There was some argument over the mulligan and retry because several people had told Eric what he “could have done”, so he used the suggestion. There being no rule against that, Eric survived.

Tom vs. Eric G: Possibly as a result of the previous play, Eric was revealed to be a yo-yo enthusiast as well as a hot air balloon enthusiast, and had just gotten a new yo-yo. He’s flinging it about but it’s really cheap and clumsy, and by a bizarre chance he hangs himself with the string. Well…it would have happened just like that, but earlier Eric was at a carnival and had won a goldfish. He’s still carrying it in the bag when he gets the yo-yo, and the goldfish, entranced by the yo-yo, bites through the bag, launches itself at the string and bites through it. Result – no one believed a goldfish would be tough enough to bite through the bag, let alone leap to the string and bite through the string, and Eric died horribly wishing he’d won a piranha.

Eric G vs. Tom: Eric challenges Tom to an oil drinking contest; whoever can drink the most in 10 minutes wins and Tom gets to go first! He downs 10,000 gallons and dies from the toxic amount. (Some clapping and laughter from the room for this odd and excellent attack. Tom is momentarily stunned.) Well it would have happened just like that, but Tom decided he wanted to eat snow instead of drinking oil, so he ate a snowman. Result – No one accepted the dodge from the contest and Tom died because he couldn’t hold his oil.

Jeff vs. Erik H: For his 18th birthday, Erik decides to check out his roots and catches a boat to Scandinavia. But it wasn’t a boat to Scandinavia, it was a boat to Valhalla, and while wandering this land of gods and giants he’s squished by a giant chicken. Or would have, except that he was wearing a suit of armor. As he was walking he got so tired from the weight that he took a rest, fell asleep and didn’t reach the farm. Result – Not only was Erik squished by a chicken as he slept, but since he didn’t die in battle he got kicked out of Valhalla too.

Erik H vs. Eric G: On the other hand, for Eric’s birthday, his mom planned a surprise party. But she ordered so many clowns that even when he fled the house from the claustrophobia he was still completely surrounded by clowns and died from a panic attack. Or would have, except Eric is evil and a practitioner of black magic. One of his magical tools is a large mirror always floating behind him. The clowns saw the image and surrounded it instead of him, allowing Eric to escape. Result – Upon reflection, Eric’s defense was shattered…bad luck.

Cole vs. Eric G: Eric has an incredible urge for some chicken soup, but not having any money he has to steal a can from the store. He went home and made the soup, and of course, needed a cracker. But Cole had planted one for him that was poisonous. The poison caused him to shrink to the size and color of a blueberry, and his mom found him and ate him. Well, it would have happened, but instead of stealing the soup like was planned, Eric decided to pay for it and… (At this point everyone protested him trying to use an irrelevant item to rewrite Cole’s story instead of properly defend himself.) Result – The conflict aside, the defense did nothing to stop either the cracker or his mother eating him. Though by strict rules it was a mulligan, the majority put Eric to death without a retry.

Tom vs. Eric G: Eric’s pummeling continued when he and Tom were walking past a payphone. Tom, in a rage, ripped the payphone cord from the phone and strangled Eric. Or would have done, except that Eric is, in fact, a puppet, complete with strings (everyone is murmuring in approval at this point, and even I’m noting the “string” defense for future use…that is until…) and because of the strings, he couldn’t get into the phone booth to use the phone so couldn’t be strangled. (Room is aghast. “You had it!” “So close!”) Result – Eric forgot the terms of the attack, made a terrific defense versus the wrong thing and was strung up.
Eric G vs. Tom: Eric found out that Tom is really the Wicked Witch of the West, so he got a bucket of water, tracked Tom down, dumped the water on him and he melted. Unfortunately for Eric’s scheme, to get at Tom he had to walk under a construction site and an anvil fell off a beam, hitting the bucket, smashing it and spilling the water. Result – The anvil was ruled not an attack on the attacker because it merely hit the weapon, so Tom didn’t have to kick the bucket.

Jeff vs. Tom: Poor Tom never learned how to swim, but his friends talked him into floating around on a really big sponge in the pool. But the sponge was a fake and when Tom jumped on it, it sank and Tom drowned. (At this point, Tom attempted to use just a Modifier card to save himself and had to retry…I know how historically important this info is, but I can’t recall what he tried.) Tom was going to drown, but fortunately he was able to grab a rubber glove that was on the side of the pool and blew it up to use as a float. Result – It was noted that he’d drown before he could blow up the glove…also that if he was close enough to get the glove he could have pulled himself out. Tom sleeps with the pool toys.

Erik H vs. Jeff: Erik owns the Death Star (some hoots) and uses it to explode Jeff and the Earth while he’s getting a tan at the beach. Well, it would have happened like that except that Jeff has the operator’s manual for the Death Star (more hoots) and he knows that the only method to survive the attack is to look away from the beam. Result – Even if that somehow worked the Earth still blew up and Jeff was destroyed.

Cole vs. Tom: Tom is very rich and very greedy. He’s the kind of guy who steals pennies and cards (Stupiduel cards?). Cole decides to put a stop to him and lures Tom to the edge of town with a million dollars, which he puts out in the middle of traffic. Tom runs out to get it and is flattened by semi trucks. Naturally, this would have happened but Tom was hungry, and because of his reputation none of the restaurants on the way to meet Cole will let him in. But he spies a pickle in an alleyway, eats the pickle, and this so satisfies him that he’s not greedy anymore. Result – There was some chatter about eating a pickle found laying in an alleyway in the first place, but no one believed eating one would lessen the lure of a million dollars, and Tom was declared roadkill.

Tom vs. Erik H: Tom straps 4 sticks of dynamite to Erik, who then runs around in a panic until he blows up. Which would have happened, except that Erik has a bad rash and was covered with petroleum jelly (got it!), and it was thick enough to block the blast (and lost it!). Result – After everyone marveled over Erik not just squishing the dynamite off his slippery self, he went out with a bang.

Eric G vs. Erik H: Erik is always hungry…insanely hungry. He’s so bad they put him away in an asylum. Since Eric knows this craving, he makes a poisoned turkey sandwich and leaves it where Erik can get it, and Erik gobbles it down and dies miserably. Which would have happened, except that Erik hates Eric, and as soon as Eric gets close enough to deliver the sandwich to Erik, Erik eats Eric…all that clear? Result – The defense was illegal because the defender can’t preemptively attack the attacker, plus he’d still bite the sandwich, and then the big one.

Jeff vs. Erik H: Erik steals a super rubber ring from an important member of the Russian mob. The gangsters eventually catch him and trap him in an empty room, where one of their killers strangles him with the rubber ring. Which would have happened except, because of an illness Erik can’t smell anything, and the room the mob chose is filled with a gas that kills by smell. They all died and he didn’t. Result – Fishy as the gas was, there was no arguing its effectiveness and Erik escaped the predicament not smelling like a rose.

Erik H vs. Eric G: Eric G is a teacher at school and Erik H is a troublemaking prankster. He puts a pin on the teacher’s chair, hoping he’ll sit on it, but Eric trips and falls on it instead. The pin stabs him right through the heart and Eric G dies. Or would have, except Eric G is also a samurai and hates his uncomfortable chair. He’s asked that the principal replace it but he’s refused, so Eric chops it up just then so he can “persuade” the principal to get him a la-z-boy. Result – In the end, Eric gets a comfy chair instead of a pin.

Cole vs. Tom: Tom goes to the “Texas Roadhouse” for his birthday because he likes that he can eat peanuts and throw the shells on the floor. He’s making such a big mess of shells though, that when the dancers are sent out to sing for him while he’s eating his hamburger, they put a big cowboy hat on his head, not knowing that the angry manager loaded it with acid. The had sticks to his head as it’s melting him, but no one can hear him screaming because the music and singing is so loud and Tom’s head is melted off. Well, it would have happened except that there was an empty water cooler next to the table and Tom was putting the huge mess of shells in there instead of on the floor. Result – One judge commented that he’d never seen a water cooler, as described, with an open top and all agreed Tom lost his head.

**At this point, Cole had scored 4 kills and opened up the game to possible eliminations. Attackers also were also no longer allowed to legally play any wild cards, though they could still be used for defense. Erik H had only 2 kills and was eliminated because it was impossible for him to tie.**

Tom vs. Eric G: Eric is picking corn in a field when 90 grenades fall from the sky and blast him to smithereens. Well, that might have happened except Eric found a pile of junk in the middle of the field, and in it there was a book of ninja techniques for dodging grenades. When they fell he just dodged them all. Result – Even if such a book was in a pile of junk in a corn field and even if he could learn it all, we didn’t think he could handle 90 all at the same time. Eric was popcorn.

Eric G vs. Tom: Revenge is sweet corn. Eric lures Tom out into a cornfield where he’d dug a 6’ deep hole that Tom fell into. Tom is only 5’11”, was too short to get out of the hole and starved. (Approving laughter) Fortunately for Tom, a passing duck fell in the hole, and by standing on it, Tom was tall enough to get out. Result – A funny but risky play at this point in the final and thoroughly embarrassing if it had worked, but the duck, even squashed, was deemed enough to give Tom enough of a boost to get out.

**At this point, Eric G had missed his chance to tie and was eliminated from the competition with 3 kills.**

Jeff vs. Tom: It’s the year 2030 and Tom’s French Club has been reading “Le Petit Prince” and decides to fly to a tiny planet to play it out. Jeff’s German Club hates Tom’s French Club, and they launch “La Petite Chaleur Cherchant Missile Nucléaire” (excuse my French…”The Little Heat-Seeking Nuclear Missile”) and blow up the whole planet. Tom would have been killed too, except he’d inhaled some rather potent pepper and sneezed so hard in the low gravity that he was blown off the planet and was out of range when the nuke went off. Result – There was some banter about atmosphere, baobab trees and comet riding, but in the end no one could sneeze hard enough to escape the blast, so Tom was destroyed.

Cole vs. Tom: Tom and Cole are playing Stupiduel and… (and we called a time out because Lance looked over and saw that Cole was holding the “Card” card. Grabbing a copy of the tournament rules, Lance pointed to the clause that the game couldn’t be won with the same play as last year, and Cole held the tie-break advantage. He assured the judges that wasn’t his plan and play continued.) …and Cole throws a card at him that was rigged to burst into flames, which hits Tom and burns him up. Or would have except Tom always has his favorite toy handy, a little blue whale. When he sees the card flying at him, Tom holds it up and blocks the card. Result – Certainly not what we expected from a handy water-squirting toy, but effective nonetheless.

Tom vs. Cole: Cole buys a new toy at the toyshop, but doesn’t realize how dangerous it is. When he pushes a button on it, spikes fly out and spear Cole. Or would have if Cole’s secret ID wasn’t Rubberman! The spikes bounced right off. Result – There was some chat over how tough the rubber was, how well the spikes would bounce and whether spikes could even hurt a rubber man, but in the end, Cole heroically saved his own day.

Jeff vs. Cole: Jeff is taking a spaceflight in a two-man ship. The pilot gets sick from some bad tuna he ate, but unfortunately for Jeff the pilot is a mime, can’t tell him how to fly the ship and they die in deep space. But luckily, the same flying assassin we all thought had died way back in play #7 had actually been saved by Cole and was now Cole’s personal bodyguard. He’d stowed away on the ship and when the trouble started he revealed himself and was a qualified pilot. Result – Not to sound too confused, but amazingly enough this defense was accepted.

Cole vs. Jeff: Jeff chews a lot of gum because a cute girl in a TV commercial chews it, and he thinks this will somehow help them meet. One day Cole slips him a piece of gum that had a powerful electric charge in it, and when he starts to chew he’s electrocuted. If he’d had the chance, that is…Jeff has 7 pet pigs that also love gum and he’s been chewing all of it so they haven’t had any in a long time. When he took the gum from Cole they mobbed Jeff and stole the gum, saving him. Result – Jeff survived and learned the value of hogging all the gum.

Tom vs. Jeff: In one of the most straightforward attacks of the final, Tom sent enough warriors to kill Jeff that he couldn’t escape them all. Jeff, fortunately, had some candy on him and bribed the warriors with it not to kill him. Result – The judges all wondered if it was enough candy, considering there was no modifier, but Tom let him live.

Jeff vs. Tom: Tom got invited to be a guest on Jeff Corwin’s show on Animal Planet, but it turns out it was all a ruse to kill you, and he hung Tom from a tree. Fortunately for Tom he never goes out without a knife and he was able to cut himself down. Result – Pretty hard to argue against that…Tom survived the lynching with ease.

Cole vs. Jeff: Jeff is excited because he’s going to the Homecoming dance, but he needs a tux and has to borrow one as soon as possible because it’s tonight. Cole agrees to loan him a tux. In fact, he loans him 2,400,000 tuxes, which he drops on him from a plane smothering him under the vast weight and numbers of them. Or that would have happened, except that the dance was taking place in the old bunker under the school and he was safe inside when the tuxedos dropped, waiting for Cole to show up with the suit. Result – It was a lot of tuxedos, but the bunker was a safe place to hide and Jeff lived to find a nice one for the dance.

Tom vs. Cole: Cole is relaxing in his old-fashioned claw foot bath tub when a mutant A-Bomb crawls under the tub and blows him sky high. (There was some chatter at this point about this living bomb and what it was like, and Tom agreed it looked like a Mario Brother’s Bobomb.) Fortunately for Cole, he’s paranoid when he’s in the bath, and when he heard the door creaking downstairs as the bomb snuck in, he immediately got his portable buzz-saw, hunted for the intruder and cut the bomb in half. Results – On the weight that the bomb was implied alive, he killed it; and it was agreed that the saw couldn’t set it off, so Cole got to finish his bath in peace instead of pieces.

Jeff vs. Cole: Cole has a horrible fear of heights, so he decides the best way to conquer his fear is to face it head on, so he gets a large hydrogen-filled balloon, holds on tight, and is carried up 3 miles into the air over the ocean, where the balloon pops and he plummets to the water at such great speed he’s flattened on impact. And it would have happened, except that Cole didn’t panic and looked for a way to slow his fall. He tried making a parachute of his pants but that was no good. He took off his shirt (“Stupiduel” T shirt, I assume) and tried it but that was no good. Then he took off his cowboy hat but that wasn’t working either, but he saw a string inside the hat, pulled it, and the hat multiplied to 5 million hats! He floated down slowly to the water on a huge cushion of hats! Result – Aside from the fact that if he hadn’t already lost the hat he would have when he took his shirt off, no one could see any result but Cole rapidly leaving 5 million hats fluttering above him as he completed a death dive into the Atlantic.

Cole vs. Tom: One winter day, the weather is so blisteringly cold that everyone is sent home from school. Things are freezing everywhere as Tom tries to fight his way home through the cold as his clothes get stiffer and stiffer from frost. When he was walking past a frozen bus, he noticed 4 snow men…not snowmen, but actual men made of snow, coming towards him. Barely able to move, the snow men surround and trap Tom in an icy shell against the frozen bus, making it impossible for him to escape. He somehow manages not to freeze, but lingers on for day after horrible day until he starves! And it would have happened if Tom hadn’t still had his trusty knife with him that he always carries (see 31). He had plenty of time to chip his way out before starving to death. Result – One added dash of cruelty in tune with Cole’s impressive storytelling techniques gave Tom all the time he needed to escape where mere freezing would have served better.

**At this point, Cole failed to tie Jeff, in the lead with 5 kills and was eliminated from the game. Tom was still tied with Cole, so we were still uncertain if 3rd place was going to have to be awarded by least deaths.**

Tom vs. Jeff: Jeff is walking along the water when an evil blue whale surges out of the water at him grabs him with its jaws, pulls him into the water and drowns him. (“Eats him” was also part of the attack but was disallowed due to baleen not being to useful for chewing on people no matter how evil the whale, but the crushing jaws and drowning were already in play and the attack went as stated.) Fortunately (?) for Jeff he’s a bubble boy, but instead of plastic he lives in a ball of lead…with only one hole in…and a long tube for air…and… Result – And Jeff died miserably in a crushed lead shell at the bottom of the ocean with a long tube extending to the surface hundreds of feet above.

**At this point Tom had tied Jeff at 5 kills apiece and Cole was officially the 3rd place winner. Let all be warned! Cole is a dangerous player to go up against, being the only duelist to reach the final twice, and improving from 1 kill in 2004 to 4 in 2005. I predict he will be hard to defeat if he competes in 2006.**

Jeff vs. Tom: Tom is epileptic and needs to take a medicine for it. One day his mom gives him one of his pills not realizing that it has spikes in it. He has a seizure as he’s taking it, the pill goes down the wrong pipe, the spikes spring out and Tom’s lung is punctured and he dies. Fortunately though, before he can take the pill, his pet pig, who thinks the pill is candy, grabs it and eats it and it dies instead. Result – Tom survived; proof once again that pet pigs are marvelous to have when there’s dangerous edibles in the house. [Tied at 5]

Tom vs. Jeff: Tom is Superman, but for his birthday Jeff gives him such a nice gift that he forgets his own strength, gives him a big hug in thanks, and crushes him horribly. This would have happened under normal circumstances, however there’s a problem. Jeff’s favorite cereal has been discontinued and he really likes it. He has an opportunity to get the last few boxes that will ever be made but only if he skips Tom’s birthday party. He decides to get the cereal and avoids the death hug. Results – At best, Jeff merely escapes the inevitable for a brief time, as he will still give his super gift super late to Superman, who still reduces him to super mush with his super hug. Especially since nothing specified it was given at his party. [Advantage Tom]

Jeff vs. Tom: Tom is Jeff’s bodyguard and will do anything to protect him. Unfortunately, Tom’s also developed an insane lust for cannibalism, and as the mania progresses he realizes that he’s a danger to Jeff and kills himself so he can’t eat Jeff. The only problem with this scheme is that Tom is blessed with a superheroic force shield and he can’t actually hurt himself through it. Result – well, we all liked the attack, but the defense obviously doesn’t stop Tom from eating anything, like lots of poison, and he and his force shield loyally dropped dead. [Tied at 6]

Tom vs. Jeff: While Jeff is sleeping, Tom sneaks in and stabs him in the mouth with (ok, I dropped the ball here…the notes say “7x sharp pen”, but I can’t for the life of me remember if he stabbed him 7 times with a sharp pen, the pen was 7 times sharper than usual, or he stabbed him with 7 sharp pens. Let’s say “all of the above”.) 7 pens that were 7 times sharper than normal 7 times each. The plan was going well too, but Jeff is paranoid and had a security system: a magic gun that spotted the attack about to happen and shot and wounded Tom, stopping the attack. Result – There was some argument that it was a preemptive strike against the attacker, but the attacker had already begun the attack. Jeff was saved; so while the pen is mightier than the sword, the magic gun still has the edge. [Tied at 6]

Jeff vs. Tom: Tom is a daredevil and decides for his latest stunt to be rolled across a rack of enough buzz-saw blades to completely chop him up, but survive, which naturally has never been done. Fortunately, there are some kids walking by as he starts the stunt, pushing carts full of a lot of toys. They lose control of the carts and the toys fall all over the blades, the disintegrating pieces of which cushion Tom all the way across the rack of whirling blades. Result – it came down to a lot of toys versus enough saw blades, and there just enough blades, no matter what, to have at least one of them cut Tom’s career as a daredevil short. [Advantage Jeff]

Tom failed to tie Jeff and was eliminated from play, leaving Jeff as the only duelist still standing and making him the 2005 Stupiduel World Champion, with Tom in 2nd place and Cole in 3rd!