Lost Adept Distractions

We thought it would be fun for everyone to see the duels that were played in the Final Match of the first "Stupiduel World Championship Tournament" that took place at Land of Make Believe in Hudson , Ohio on 6/26/04 . As one of the judges, I was in a prime position to observe the combat, and so I took notes as we went along. The following, though not a strict word-by-word transcript, should give you a pretty good idea of the plays that were made and what happened as a result. Enjoy!!!

Sean vs. Cole : Six times the amount of junk it would take to kill a person fell on top of Cole. Fortunately his mom, who couldn't stand him being messy, had given Cole a ring of junk repellant to wear and it pushed all the junk away from him. Result - The ring repelled the junk off to the sides and he walked away from it perfectly clean.
Mike vs. Sam : Sam got prescription cough drops filled with freezing chemicals. He popped one in his mouth, the chemicals leaked out, and his head was frozen. Sam pulled the cough drop back out of mouth, wearing a rubber glove to protect against the cold. Result - The glove was too thin to protect his hand from the cold and he froze solid.
Nick vs. Mike : Mike was cooking in his underwear and splashed himself with grease, which caught the underwear on fire and he couldn't put it out even with a drop and roll. Fortunately, Mike lived right by the sea, heard the blue whales singing and remembered the water. Result - He jumped in the sea, put out the fire and survived.
Sam vs. Mike : Mike bought some gum. It was really good gum, and he liked it so much that he tried to chew all of it, choked on it and died. It turns out that Mike was by a book shelf and there was a first aid book handy. He read what to do about choking and got the gum out. Result - He choked while trying to read the book and dropped dead.
Cole vs. Mike : Cole paid homage to Bugs Bunny by putting a pair of sunglasses on Mike while he was camping next to the Grand Canyon . They were so dark that Mike thought it was night, and when he woke up, he wandered off a cliff and died. Fortunately for Mike, an anvil fell out of a plane (in Bugs Bunny style) and hit him on the foot. When he fell over, the glasses fell off. Result - Mike saw how close he was to the canyon and didn't fall in.
Sean vs. Nick : Nick was intently following someone on his bike. The guy didn't like it and dropped a gas bomb which went off and poisoned Nick. Fortunately, Nick has Attention Deficit Disorder, and saw a clown out of the corner of his eye. He turned to follow the clown instead the other guy. Result - Nick was no longer behind the guy he was following when the bomb went off.
Mike vs. Nick : Nick bought a novelty shocking pen. He zapped so many people that a mob formed, caught him and killed him. Fortunately, he saw the mob coming and hid in an electrified tank. The electric shocks kept the mob away while he destroyed them with the tank's weapons. Result - Nick easily handled the mob with the cannon, machine guns, and treads.
Nick vs. Sam : Sam took his time machine back to December 7, 1941 at Pearl Harbor to see the battle. While he was there, a bomb dropped right on the machine and he was blown up. It turns out that Sam had a grenade handy, saw the bomb falling, and threw the grenade at it, blowing it up before it hit him. Result - He wasn't able to throw it high enough to make any difference and was killed in the blast.
Sam vs. Cole : Cole was a bad, bad person, and Sam sent a high-priced lawyer after him. The lawyer got him in so much trouble that Cole was given the death penalty. But Cole was a king of two royal lines (Old King Cole and King Arthur) and had faithful followers. 24 of his warriors grabbed the lawyer and threw him in the lake. Result - The warriors assaulted the lawyer but that didn't help him escape, so he was executed anyway.
Cole vs. Sean : Sean was lost, blind without his glasses, in a maze of 10,000 mirrors. He never found his way out and starved to death. Fortunately Sean happened to have 5 full suits of edible armor, and ate them to survive. Result - Sean lived a bit longer because of the food, but starved after it was all gone.
Sean vs. Cole : Cole found a dollar on the ground and grabbed it, but the dollar was infested with diseases, he caught one of them, got horribly sick and died. Cole had a secret identity, however, and the disease couldn't kill him. Result - Cole did not specify who he really was or why the disease didn't kill him until it was too late, and Cole was slain.
Mike vs. Cole : Mike and Cole are characters from "The Matrix". In the scene next to the helicopter, Trini-Mike held up his gun to Agent Cole's head, said "Dodge this!" and fired. Cole had some quick-draw cheese in his jacket, pitched it off the building shouting "Look, cheese!", and escaped while Mike was hungrily watching it fall. Result - Agent Cole could not have taken out the cheese fast enough to distract Trini-Mike, and he was shot.
Nick vs. Sean : Sean's mom really hates him because he is SO ugly. He's so bad that she hires a super assassin to kill him. The assassin sneaks in at night and kills Sean in his sleep. Well, that might have happened, but Sean's mom really loves him, so she put a bag over his head and she was happy again. Result - The judgment was that the attack said his mom hated him, so he couldn't defend by simply negating that and stating that she loved him. Sean was killed in bed in his sleep.
Sam vs. Cole : Cole gets a rubber ball at Wal-Mart and is in the store, bouncing it off the ground way up high. He bounces it, and as it's coming down he looks up at it and it flies right into his mouth and chokes him. Actually, he was bouncing it up high in the garden shop, and it dropped into the top of a big plant there, got stuck and he couldn't get it down. Result: Cole was not choked by the ball and was generally applauded.
Cole vs. Sean: At an event, Sean was given a nametag to wear, but it turns out the tag was radioactive and though he noticed his hair falling out, it was too late and the radiation killed him. Sean actually goes nowhere without his favorite shield, and he attached the tag to the front of the shield instead of to his shirt, which was enough to keep him safe. Result - There was some dispute about the type and strength of radiation, but the shield provided enough protection to save Sean.
Sean vs. Mike : Mike was wearing a cowboy hat and pretending to be Clint Eastwood. But it turns out that the hat was not only alive, but was a ravenous flesh eater, grabbed his head and ate him. This was all happening in the bath (!), and Mike being kind of effeminate (!!!) he had a lot of candy scented soaps. He threw the hat at the soaps and it ate them instead. Result - The defense failed because one judge felt the hat wouldn't eat the soap, and the other felt the defense clearly needed to kill the hat and it didn't. The hat returned and ate Clint.er.Mike.
Mike vs. Nick : Nick was making a gigantic snowman; 30' tall. When he climbed up to put the hat on its head, the extra weight was too much, the snowman toppled over and 3 tons of snow fell on him. Nick saw the snow rushing down at him like an avalanche and started to run. He saw a small passage leading through a really big wall, and ducked through it. Result - It sounded good except that the attack had put him 30' up a ladder. It was impossible to run away and Nick was crushed by the snowman.

**At this point, Cole was eliminated from competition on a technicality because he had only scored a single win and time was running out. According to the rules he would need to tie the lead duelist on his next play, which was impossible. Nick, Sam and Sean each had 2 wins and Mike was leading with 3. **
Nick vs. Sean : Sean really likes modeling clay and bought a million pounds of the stuff. He packed up his car inside and on the roof with the stuff to take it all home. On the way, the car broke down from the weight, and while he was sitting there deciding what to do, the roof collapsed on top of him. Fortunately, the car had an alarm in it that went off when the car was being damaged. He knew there was a problem and got out to check. Result - The alarm successfully warned him of danger and he got out before the car collapsed.

**At this point, Nick was eliminated because he did not tie with Mike. **
Sam vs. Sean : Sean goes out to get the morning paper, suffers a million paper cuts when he grabs it, and bleeds to death horribly. Sean is sure it would have happened, but he decided to go on a killing rampage with his trusty sword instead, and didn't collect the paper. Result - It was pointed out that the newspaper would still be waiting for him when he finished his rampage. He came home, grabbed the newspaper and died.

**This win tied Sam with Mike, and allowed him to continue according to the tournament rules. **
Sean vs. Mike : Mike loves orange soda, so when he saw a flying 2 liter bottle of it at the top of a skyscraper, he jumped after it, missed, and fell off the building to his death. In actuality, Mike had a duck trained to receive things like a hunting hawk. He sent the duck after the soda; it grabbed the bottle with its webbed feet and flew it down to him. Result - Mike didn't die and really enjoyed the soda.

**Sean failed to tie with Mike and Sam, and was eliminated from play. **
Mike vs. Sam : Sam was at a big ocean theme park. One of the features in the aquarium was a big tank that had 7 really big flesh eating sponges. Mike pushed him into the tank and Sam was eaten by them. It was ok though, because it turns out that Sam was really rich and actually owned the theme park. He doesn't like flesh eating sponges and had gotten rid of them. Result - The tank was perfectly safe and Sam climbed back out.
Sam vs. Mike : Mike was walking along, minding his own business when two bugs flew right at him and one went up each nostril. Once inside, they ate his innards and he died of internal bleeding. Mike actually was wearing 4 big nose rings when it happened, so the bugs couldn't get into his nostrils because they were blocked. Result - The bugs bounced off and Mike continued happily on his way.
Mike vs. Sam : Sam was wandering around an old abandoned oil refinery one day with no one around, and he slipped and fell into a tank of really corrosive oil which melted him horribly. It was going to happen, but as Sam was wandering, he spotted some dynamite had been attached to one of the tanks and he ran away from the refinery, afraid it would explode. Result - The fear of explosion kept Sam far from the oil.
Sam vs. Mike : Mike is at the big Stupiduel tournament, doing pretty well, when his opponent starts making his attack. He says "You're at the Stupiduel tournament and your opponent starts making his attack. He says 'You're at the Stupiduel tournament.'" and on and on an infinite number of times and Mike starves to death waiting for the attack to end. Well, it is the World Championship and Mike wants to look his best, so he's wearing a tuxedo. While listening to the attack he spilled his drink on his suit and left to clean up. When he got back, the place was cordoned off and he couldn't get back. Result - He'd have to take care of the spill, so he was saved by his tux.
Mike vs. Sam : Mike has UPS deliver a billion cars to Sam by dropping them on top of him and the surrounding area. In fact, that's enough to cover the entire continent. Sam, fortunately, spotted a convenient bunker and hid inside. It was easily durable enough to protect him from the hail of cars. Result - The judges agreed that he'd be perfectly safe inside while everything outside was smashed. \
Sam vs. Mike : Mike was walking along when he encountered a mime that was pretending to be a heat seeking missile. The mime attacked him and the performance was so convincing that Mike was killed by the mimed blast. It turns out that Mike was just really sleepy. He took an alertness pill, woke up, realized it was just a mime and was perfectly safe. Result - The power of suggestion was no match for the power of caffeine.
Mike vs. Sam : Mike's attack was "I play the Stupiduel card that kills you" against Sam in a game of Stupiduel. Sam defended himself by pouring a bucket of water on the card, which washed away the ink, and the card was rendered useless. Result - Unfortunately, Sam used the water on the card after it had been legally played, and yes, Mike's card killed Sam and won him the title of 1 st World Champion of Stupiduel!!!